← The anthology

Jonathan Swift(1667–1745)

The Lady's Dressing Room

Five h o u r s , ( a n d w h o c a n d o i t l e s s in)
B y h a u g h t y C e l i a 8 s p e n t i n dressing;
T h e g o d d e s s f r o m h e r c h a m b e r i s s u e s ,
Arrayed i n l a c e , b r o c a d e s a n d t i s s u e s . 9
S t r e p h o n , w h o f o u n d t h e r o o m w a s void,
A n d B e t t y o t h e r w i s e e m p l o y e d ,
S t o l e in, a n d t o o k a strict survey,
Of all t h e litter as it lay;
W h e r e o f , t o m a k e t h e m a t t e r clear,
An inventory follows here.
A n d first a dirty s m o c k a p p e a r e d ,
B e n e a t h t h e a r m p i t s well b e s m e a r e d .
 
S t r e p h o n , t h e r o g u e , d i s p l a y e d it w i d e ,
A n d t u r n e d i t r o u n d o n every side.
On s u c h a p o i n t f e w w o r d s are b e s t ,
A n d S t r e p h o n bids u s g u e s s t h e rest,
B u t s w e a r s h o w d a m n a b l y t h e m e n lie,
I n c a l l i n g C e l i a s w e e t a n d cleanly.
N o w l i s t e n w h i l e h e n e x t p r o d u c e s
T h e various c o m b s for various u s e s ,
F i l l e d up w i t h dirt so c l o s e l y fixt,
N o b r u s h c o u l d f o r c e a w a y betwixt.
A p a s t e of c o m p o s i t i o n rare,
S w e a t , d a n d r u f f , p o w d e r , lead1 a n d hair;
A f o r e h e a d c l o t h w i t h oil u p o n ' t
To s m o o t h t h e w r i n k l e s on h e r front;brow
H e r e a l u m f l o w e r t o s t o p t h e s t e a m s , 2
E x h a l e d f r o m s o u r u n s a v o r y s t r e a m s ,
T h e r e n i g h t - g l o v e s m a d e o f Tripsy's h i d e ,
B e q u e a t h e d by Tripsy w h e n s h e died,
W i t h p u p p y w a t e r , 3 beauty's h e l p
D i s t i l l e d f r o m Tripsy's darling w h e l p ;
H e r e gallypots4 a n d vials p l a c e d ,
S o m e filled w i t h w a s h e s , s o m e w i t h p a s t e ,
S o m e w i t h p o m a t u m , p a i n t s a n d slops,
A n d o i n t m e n t s g o o d for s c a b b y c h o p s . 5
H a r d by a filthy b a s i n stands,
F o u l e d w i t h t h e s c o u r i n g o f h e r h a n d s ;
T h e b a s i n takes w h a t e v e r c o m e s
T h e s c r a p i n g s of h e r t e e t h a n d g u m s ,
A n a s t y c o m p o u n d of all h u e s ,
For h e r e s h e spits, a n d h e r e s h e s p e w s .
B u t oh! i t t u r n e d p o o r S t r e p h o n ' s b o w e l s ,
W h e n h e b e h e l d a n d s m e l l e d t h e t o w e l s ,
B e g u m m e d , b e m a t t e r e d , a n d b e s l i m e d
W i t h dirt, a n d s w e a t , a n d e a r w a x g r i m e d .
N o o b j e c t S t r e p h o n ' s e y e e s c a p e s ,
Here petticoats in frowzy heaps;ill-smelling, unkempt
Nor be the handkerchiefs forgot
All v a r n i s h e d o'er w i t h s n u f f 6 a n d snot.
T h e s t o c k i n g s w h y s h o u l d I e x p o s e ,
S t a i n e d w i t h t h e marks o f s t i n k i n g toes;
O r greasy c o i f s a n d p i n n e r s 7 reeking,
W h i c h C e l i a slept at l e a s t a w e e k in
A pair of t w e e z e r s next he f o u n d
T o p l u c k h e r b r o w s i n a r c h e s r o u n d ,
O r hairs that sink t h e f o r e h e a d low,
O r o n h e r c h i n like bristles grow.
 
T h e virtues w e m u s t n o t let p a s s ,
Of Celia's m a g n i f y i n g glass.
W h e n f r i g h t e d S t r e p h o n c a s t his e y e on't
It s h o w e d v i s a g e 0 of a giant.face
A glass that c a n to sight d i s c l o s e ,
T h e s m a l l e s t w o r m i n Celia's n o s e ,
A n d f a i t h f u l l y direct h e r nail
T o s q u e e z e i t o u t f r o m h e a d t o tail;
For c a t c h i t n i c e l y b y t h e h e a d ,
I t m u s t c o m e o u t alive o r dead.
W h y S t r e p h o n will y o u tell t h e rest
And must you needs describe the chest 0commode
That careless wench! no creature warn her
To move it out from yonder corner;
B u t leave it s t a n d i n g full in sight
For y o u t o e x e r c i s e y o u r spite.
In vain t h e w o r k m a n s h o w e d his wit
W i t h rings a n d h i n g e s c o u n t e r f e i t
T o m a k e i t s e e m i n this d i s g u i s e
A c a b i n e t to vulgar eyes;
F o r S t r e p h o n v e n t u r e d t o l o o k in,
Resolved to go through thick and thin;
H e lifts t h e lid, t h e r e n e e d s n o m o r e ,
H e s m e l l e d i t all t h e t i m e b e f o r e .
A s f r o m w i t h i n Pandora's box,
W h e n E p i m e t h e u s 8 op'd t h e locks,
A s u d d e n universal c r e w
O f h u m a n evils u p w a r d s f l e w ;
H e still w a s c o m f o r t e d t o f i n d
T h a t H o p e a t last r e m a i n e d b e h i n d ;
S o S t r e p h o n lifting u p t h e lid,
To v i e w w h a t in t h e c h e s t w a s hid.
T h e vapors f l e w f r o m o u t t h e v e n t ,
B u t S t r e p h o n c a u t i o u s n e v e r m e a n t
T h e b o t t o m of t h e p a n 0 to grope,vessel
A n d f o u l his h a n d s i n s e a r c h o f H o p e .
O n e v e r m a y s u c h vile m a c h i n e
B e o n c e i n Celia's c h a m b e r s e e n !
O m a y s h e b e t t e r learn to k e e p
T h o s e "secrets of t h e hoary deep!9
A s m u t t o n c u t l e t s , p r i m e o f m e a t ,
Which though with art you salt and beat
As l a w s of c o o k e r y require,
A n d toast t h e m a t t h e c l e a r e s t f i r e ;
I f f r o m a d o w n t h e h o p e f u l c h o p s
T h e fat u p o n a c i n d e r drops,
To s t i n k i n g s m o k e it turns t h e f l a m e
Pois'ning the flesh from whence it came,
 
And up exhales a greasy stench,
For which you curse the careless wench;
So things, which m u s t not be expressed,
W h e n p l u m p e d 0 into the reeking chest,dropped
S e n d up an excremental smell
To taint the parts from w h e n c e they fell.
T h e petticoats and gown p e r f u m e ,
W h i c h waft a stink round every room,
Thus finishing his grand survey,
Disgusted Strephon stole away
R e p e a t i n g in his a m o r o u s fits,
Oh! Celia, Celia, Celia shits!
But V e n g e a n c e , goddess never sleeping
S o o n punishe d Strepho n for his peeping ;
His foul imagination links
E a c h D a m e he sees with all her stinks:
And, if unsavory odors fly,
Conceives a lady standing by:
All w o m e n his description fits,
And both ideas j u m p like wits:1
By vicious fancy coupled fast,
And still appearing in contrast.
I pity wretched Strephon blind
To all the charms of female kind;
S h o u l d I the q u e e n of love2 refuse,
B e c a u s e she rose from stinking ooze
To him that looks behind the scene,
Satira's but s o m e pocky queen.3
W h e n Celia in her glory shows,
If Strephon would but stop his nose
(Who now so impiously b l a s p h e m e s
Her ointments, daubs, and paints and c r e a m s ,
Her w a s h e s , slops, and every clout,rag
With which he makes so foul a rout)fuss
He soon would learn to think like me,
And bless his ravished sight to see
S u c h order from c o n f u s i o n sprung,
S u c h gaudy tulips raised f r o m dung.