I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General · W. S. Gilbert

I am the very model of a modern Major-General,

I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral,

I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical,

From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical;2

I'm very well acquainted too with matters mathematical,

I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical,

About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news—

With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.3

With many cheerful facts, etc.

G E N . I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,

I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;4

In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,

I am the very model of a modern Major-General,

In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,

He is the very model of a modern Major-General.

GEN. I know our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's,

I answer hard acrostics, I've a pretty taste for paradox,

I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus,

In conies I can floor peculiarities parabolous. 5

I can tell undoubted Raphaels from Gerard Dows and

Zoffanies,

I know the croaking chorus from the Frogs of Aristophanes,

Then I can hum a fugue of which I've heard the music's

dinafore,

And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore.6

And whistle all the airs, etc.

GEN. Then I can write a washing bill in Babylonic cuneiform,

And tell you every detail of Caractacus's uniform;7

In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,

I am the very model of a modern Major-General,

In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,

He is the very model of a modern Major-General.

GEN. In fact, when I know what is meant by "mamelon and "ravelin,

When I can tell at sight a chassepot rifle from a javelin,

When such affairs as sorties and surprises I'm more wary at,

And when I know precisely what is meant by "commissariat,

When I have learnt what progress has been made in modern

gunnery,

When I know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery:

In short, when I've a smattering of elemental strategy,

You'll say a better Major-Genera/ has never sat a gee— 8

You'll say a better, etc.

GEN. For my military knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury,

Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century;

But still in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,

I am the very model of a modern Major-General,

But still in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,

He is the very model of a modern Major-General.